The Pain of Worrying

The closer the time comes for my son and I to return to the USA from Thailand, the more I worry. I am so worried about it that I can’t  bring myself to do or anything pertaining to what I fear. Sometimes I am superstitious I guess.

Last night I made a list of the positives and the negatives pertaining to my worst fear. The positives won, but I still worry.

In the unlikely event that anyone is reading this, a good vibe or two sent my way would be appreciated.

Rainy Season

It is the rainy season here but, so far, things have been pleasant enough. There is enough rainy for the farmers but no real interuption in going about ones daily business.

Got through a real down period where things we constantly on my mind worrying me. Still not totally comfortable, but am more positive.

Will write a half way decent blog when I can.

The Happiest Guy in Town

After months of living in a condition of filth and desperate emotional pain, the lady at the local shop asked whether I would be willing to give private English lessons to a woman who owned a dressmaking shop. Details were worked out and I began a series of ten lessons for her.

Her primary motivation for learning was to help herself communicate better with an Irish man who she had been introduced to (via phone and snail mail) by the husband of a friend.

After the ten lessons were over she asked if I would stop by occasionally to chat with her informally. She had been pleasant enough, so I agreed.

At first I stopped by occasionally. That turned into more frequent visits and then daily ones. It was enjoyable because there were lovely, polite, Thai women around to have a flirt with and feel a bit manly. I was absolutely not interested in sex or a new relationship. But I was interested in feeling human. Eventually I started to, although even to this day I have a ways to go.

I needed to feel strong enough to start taking better care of myself. I even developed a plan to keep progressing. I determined to be the happiest guy in town; to smile and be friendly with all. It’s interesting how faking it can actually help a bit.

Slowly, I made friends. My Thai improved dramatically and I was able to take care of all my basic needs and socialize as well.

During that time, shortly after Christmas, I had a major setback. But at least I had a support network by this time.

That network kept me from falling all the way back to the bowels of the belly of the beast.

Back Again

Just a quick personal note.

I have been back in Thailand for a week; six days of that in Bangkok with my son and ex wife. We did the family thing, which I think is important for him. Now we are up in the boondocks. My son spends most of his time with her, as planned. I stay in a room my friend lets me use for free.

I will get around to writing a new blog soon and give more details about what is happening.

Hell Itself

So I began life pretty much on my own. My wife did occasionally come around for a few minutes with my son. At times she let him stay over so we could do things together. For the most part, I was alone; the only white person in town and with limited skills in the Thai language.

I drank vast quantities of beer, smoked packs of cigarettes, hardly ate and the house I lived in got dirtier. Slowly it began to fill up with cobwebs.  I had frequent bouts of diarrhea.

I went out to buy beer often and got to know a lady at a little shop. We chatted daily because she wanted to improve her English. After I got to know her fairly well, she told me that my landlady had approached her and said that when I went off to teach, my wife and the construction boss of the house would go to where I lived and stay for an hour or two. A week or two later, she told me that everyone in town know the guy was her new boyfriend. The lady at the restaurant my wife and I used to frequent said the same thing.

My wife began wearing extremely revealing clothing; something she had never done. She totally changed her approach to makeup and hairstyle as well; doing it more like a teenager would.

She and I did occasionally have polite but distant conversations. Finally, she agreed that I could move into the house I had spent my entire life savings on after it was finished. That would be next month. When next month came, it was delayed for another month. This went on and on.

My feeling was that we should live together for the sake of our son. She agreed with that but said I would have to stay in my own room; we would not share a bed. I went along with that, again, for the sake of my son.

The rumors and gossip around town began to get even worse. Now the story was that my wife had lots of boyfriends sleeping over with her. I had hit bottom.

At the bottom there were two choices; die or began crawling my way out of the deepest and most painful part of hell.

Something happened that helped me make the latter decision. I began to crawl out. I am still crawling.

In the Mood?

To write blogs like the ones detailing the story of my heartbreak and divorce doesn’t take guts or creativity. It does take being in the proper mood.

What is the mood? For me it is coming to a place where I feel like it will help me and give me strength. That mood can’t be faked or forced. It just happens. Naturally.

And, for sure, I am not in that mood at the moment. Still I wanted to put something up. Something to kind of remind me of this fact.

The Road to Hell

Finally, at the end of the school year, we made the final move from Bangkok to the town where our new home was being built. We set up in the place that we had rented while construction was being done.

Early each morning, my wife would leave for the construction site to make sure things were going well. She made it quite clear that she did not want me to go. On occasions I would drop by to say hi and I sensed that she resented the fact that I had showed up. Several times, after she had returned home, she would be extremely angry that I had gone to the site.

She began leaving earlier and earlier and coming home later and later; sometimes after 10 PM. When I asked her why, she said it was because she had been waiting for a delivery or had enjoyed having a meal with the construction workers.

The leaving early, returning late and essentially not communicating with me when she came home became a daily routine. Essentially, I was on my own. I brought the subject up several times and fairly bad arguments resulted. I didn’t know what to do.

In addition to this, numerous times when I went to the site, my wife was sitting quite close to the construction boss and was wearing extremely revealing clothing. This didn’t match the person I had known for eight years. She also refused to have sex with me. This was in direct contrast to the situation we had had in Bangkok, because her libido had always been larger than mine by far.

On the night after our wedding anniversary, which had been celebrated at a restaurant with friends, she came home extremely late. The worst argument we had ever had resulted. Eventually, she stormed off with my son and her younger sister, who had been staying with us. I can still hear the echo of the expletives she shouted as she left.

She didn’t answer her mobile phone that evening or the next morning. Finally, she arrived at the rental house with several family and friends. She had come to get her things, saying she would stay at the new house even though it wasn’t finished yet.

She refused to discuss anything.

I had begun my decent into the pits of hell.

The Good Life?

After eight years of a quality marriage and family life, we decided it was time to leave Bangkok. Neither of us were city people and, while Bangkok has a lot to offer, there were many drawbacks for us.

Rather than move to the tiny village where my wife was from in N.E. Thailand, we decided to build a house in the market town nearest to where she is from; that was a distance of maybe 15 miles.

A few years earlier I had sold my house in Connecticut and transfered the money to Thailand. There was enough to build a modest home and perhaps start a small business.

We bought a piece of land in the market town where our house would be built. I signed the paper at the land office stating that I was aware that, as a foreigner, I could not own land. I had no problem with trusting my wife because, after eight years of a solid marriage, I knew everything would be fine.

We decided that my wife would go to the northeast and supervise the building of the house while I finished the school year at the university I taught at. That would be a period of about three months. We rented a small inexpensive place in town where she could stay during construction.

During that time, I called frequently and took pickup truck loads of our stuff up whenever I had the chance. The phone calls seemed normal enough, but I sensed something wasn’t right when I made trips to see her. I really didn’t feel welcome. In addition, she consistently refused to come back to Bangkok with me for a couple day’s visit.

I had discovered the tip of the iceberg.

What I Have to Offer

I am quite odd about blogging and emails. Sometimes I do it right away and sometimes I take a few weeks. I will tell you from my heart what I think might be “wrong” with me.

My breakup with my exwife was devastating to me. It nearly wiped me out in every way. I blame no one but myself, but in regard to making new friends, on the internet or in person, I just kind of feel like I have nothing to offer them. So I drift away from the site for awhile and don’t even check in. Then i come back

I have, over the years, started various blogs and participated in different networking site. Eventually, I would delete my account. Eventually as well, I would later regret that.

Slowly I am getting back on my feet, emotionally as well as financially. That is evidenced by the fact that I have put back on all the weight I lost when I was down and out. Still have a very long ways to go (hopefully not in terms of weight) but I have weathered the storm so far and plan to move on.

Comments

I think one issue with blogging is the importance of comments, ie, how important they are to us.

For me, it has never been a ego thing and I have no desire to have a popular blog with a lot of comments. On the other hand, it is nice to get feedback or encouragement. When I have blogged on other sites (those that are primarily blog sites like this), I have gotten very few comments. That is true here too.

The blog stats help, because they tell you that someone looked and, who knows, maybe even read? But still the occasional comment is a big motivator for me.

But, for now though, I guess I will keep on keeping on.